#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <msdos_bugs.h>

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

main()
{
    if (detect_OS2())
        freeze();

    if (detect_cache())
        disable_cache();

    if (fast_cpu())
        set_wait_states(lots);

    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
    set_icons(UGLY);

    print("Welcome to Windoze 3.11111");

    if (system_ok())
        crash(to_dos_prompt);
    else
        system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

    while(1) {
        sleep(5);
        get_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        act_on_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        if (rand() < 0.9)
            crash(complete_system);
    }
    return(unrecoverable_system);
}

Note: I'm not the author, these tidbits were all forwarded to me via email. Where I know the author, it is given.
The From: header may be the author, or it may just be the person who forwarded it to me.
Feel free to contact me to claim authorship.